smile like you mean it.

Religion… I think we can all agree it is one hell of a topic. Whether someone is a pastor or an atheist , shit gets real when the topic is brought up. Religion is not something you discuss at dinner parties , its not a whimsical topic. It can end friendships , divide families , fuck up or change entire lives. However this little rant is not intended to debate the authenticity of either school of thought. Like most people I have my own qualms about organized religion , Christianity in particular. But I also see how it can have a profoundly positive effect on the lives of some people. No , my only source of bitterness is its ability to divide people. I m sick of choking back tears. Sick of this silence between my father and I . But I m more shocked then disgusted. The old man disowned me. Referred to me as a “cancer to the family”. Said I was someone he had to protect my little sisters from. Why? Not because I m did something drastic like become a tweaker or a murderer , or a fucking rapist. No , he disowned me because I dont share his religious beliefs. Beliefs , that he hardly adheres to himself. It breaks my heart but at the same time its almost fascinating how he hides behind his ignorance and narrow minded mentality with the false security blanket of ” the word” ( the  messages of the bible for those who were not indoctrinated from a young age). After all shouldnt he just try to love? Na , fuck all that noise the old man came blasting with both barrels. But what I can I say , I just have to keep living. I m a grown ass man. His opinion , while incredibly influential and important… doesnt define who I am. At the end of the day I have to keep going. The worst part is my father didnt move to another state , he didnt suddenly become ill , he didnt die. He is there every night , sitting on that same chair , watching those same sports. He is just to prideful ,stubborn , and ignorant to even acknowledge the existence of his first son. ” I like your christ , but I dont like your christians… they are nothing like your christ” 

Anonymous asked: why don't you write anymore?

To be honest I seldom ever have time these days. I do miss it though ,  I intend on writing again. It feels good to produce word vomit lol

 Only fools stay stagnant , only idiots and cowards lack the boldness and heart it takes to do the occasional personal inventory. A fool will not analyze who he is , what his strengths are , or what he needs to improve in his life. 

I consider myself a category or two higher then a fool. Every now and then I will regress in life , I will see with tunnel vision, and I will use irrational logic that consistently ends up fucking me. So you must understand that when I had the epiphany I had a few hours ago I met it with a mixture of surprise and celebration. Epiphanies such as these evoke the same feeling a person has when they find that forgotten and crumpled twenty in their back pocket.

A yr ago right around this time I was sitting with one of my good friends named Matt. It was five in the morning. I greeted him at the door and we exchanged a quick hug before rushing to prepare “the essentials”. Neat little square pieces of foil were pre ripped in the kitchen. I had my personal tutor made out of a hollow bic pencil.  It was dingy brown and caked with pill resin , and I had a variety of straws saved from circle K cups. I handed the straw to Matt and we placed the pill on the foil. The strike of the lighter was quickly replaced with the sound of the little blue sphere bubbling up. The Smoke crawled seductively up the tutor and the initial taste of chemicals washed into my mouth. Both of our voices were stifled and muted as we did everything we could to hold the hit in as long as possible. Finally when our lungs felt as if they were going to burst we exhaled and our eyes rolled back . I waited till five in the morning for that goddamn pill in that shitty and grotesque little room. I spent 600 dollars on perc’s , and OC in a month and a half during my little “relapse” ( I use that for lack of a better term). And in retrospect I m lucky I didnt do any major harm to myself.

The last time I did any opiates was in March. That was still not even a yr ago. Its funny how a yr can feel ridiculously fast and painfully slow at the same time. My epiphany was as followed. This time last year I was a suicidal little pill head whose only comfort was drugs. Today me and that same Matt went to the gym , we played basketball. We are both sober , and both doing productive and constructive things. Both of us still struggle with depression ( me especially). Both of us still work shit jobs on our long quest to finish school. But goddamn it… we now enjoy each others companies doing something healthy and constructive as opposed to something that dwindles you down to nothing. 

Its the little things in life that should keep a man going. I M excited to see where I am this time next yr… cheers to that.